My struggle has been real to me.. my MDD, anxiety, and paranoia have seem to lessen after going back to to mood stabilizers which also double as anti-seizure meds. Cannabis has been also been treating whatever symptoms I have.
But... There's always a goddamn but.. I've really noticed this emptiness that lives inside me.
It's this abyss that seemingly likes to absorb the happiness I get being with my long time boyfriend and my family. (Which it's much easier to reclaim because they're always around me reminding me how much they care.) Some may wonder; "Well...what about your friends?" And to be raw, all the people I held so dear seemed (in the past) further and further away to me.
At a some point, when I wasn't paying attention.. In my mind, a giant thick plexiglass wall stood between my friends and I. And that was the day I knew there was a type of disconnect. And it began to burder me.. I felt like I had to constantly bang against this plexiglass to try to have some connection. In reality, this was in the form of trying to conversate, or trying to hang out..and I'll admit I felt like I was a smothering friend due to being "Big Mama or Mama Bear" all throughout my high school life. I earned that because I would cook for my friends, buy them gifts that reminded me of them and even as going to buying packs and packs of socks for a friend who had none. I'd like to mention as well that my school days were bad enough to where if I try to remember anything else; I'm met with emptiness.
That's beside the point....So I tried. And tried. And tried again. But as a lifetime depressive... You get tired... But I was so goddamn persistent, I wanted this friendship..... but it was hard to keep it up when I felt dismissed. I felt so unworthy to keep these friendships and felt like people were too busy to hear my sobby bullshit.
So come one day I disappeared. Without any warning, I began to block and delete everyone I held close. The abyss deepened.. It hurt, but I felt like this was for the best. It's been 7 months and it makes me wonder if I was the toxic one..if maybe all the nice things I did were in fact not nice. (And no, none of them have reached out.) I feel this immense disconnection (i.e I get nervous around people because I'm so worried whatever I'm going to say is going to be so weird and out there. Then I feel like I can't relate to anybody whatsoever. Dissociating begins when I stick around for too long and it becomes too much.) but I also have this immense need to have a friendship where it could mean that "We help each other out. Without judgement.". To remember that I'm a depressive that has episodes no matter what happens in my life and to lend me their ear when I'm in need. And in turn do the same thing for the other and I'll even bake/cook for you if you help out with the ingredients. I may be asking too much and even painting myself as a selfish ass weirdo. But...this is how I feel and this is what I'm going through.
TL;DR: A 24 year old depressive who is struggling with the Hedgehog Dilemma.