Back in the day I had a blog at Xanga.com and this was my header. At the time I thought it was super deep. I had taken a philosophy class and latched onto Descartes and dualism. I was fascinated by the idea that things like love, beauty, and justice. These concepts exist across cultures, and while they are expressed in different and sometimes competing ways, it still exists. Oh, the kingdoms of the mind and the body...I would write posts discussing the ways that humans ultimately seek Love, Beauty, and Justice.
I looked back on some of my writing and thought, "Boy...I was such a piece of work." Have you ever done that...thought that you had it all wrapped up with a nice bow and then you look at it with a different perspective and realize just how far off the mark you were?" I've been doing that a lot recently. There have been times in my life where I have said things with such authority and self-assurance and I've turned out to have been completely off base, or my logic is inconsistent, or I'm not really as deep as I thought I was and it turns out that I was just blabbering about nonsense.
And oh...the poetry. god...it was terrible.
I must have considered myself Lord Byron; I created a 'second' site that I linked all my poems that I wrote
"Everything falls apart, my heart breaks o'er again
Life is meaningless and hard, the color faded and turned to gray
Love is shattered on the ground, filling the well of my heart with the tears of sorrow
I can not understand... I can not see why I can't see,
Even the smallest glimmer of hope
Goodness has turned to bitterness...the picnic has soured
Rocky is the ground where we laid our heads, stony and cold
In the desert dwells my passion, without focus or direction
Expecting the rain to guide me to the Promised Land"
Barf. I wrote that in 2006...I was 25 years old, writing like a 16 year old girl.
I'm going to twist the knife a little further and let y'all on into a little secret. This particular poem is an acrostic of the name of a girl that I had a small crush on (keep in mind, I literally mean that...I wasn't in love with her at all, I just had a thing for her) and she didn't give me the time of day. And yet, oh the misery!!!! Let me give you one more for good measure:
"My cup is filled with fiery love, Its fresh, its hot, its new
I drink and soar beyond above, The sun shines bright and true
On lips I float, with eyes I fall My heart strings pull-ed be,
I can't ignore Amore's call Nor through my blindness see.
But soon the cup runs empty and The flame is snuft and drowned,
Beneath the weight my legs can't stand I fall upon the ground
Its gone, the light I held on to The pathos I explored
Then grieve do I, and then to rue The object I adored
Into the depths of bitterness My love has drifted down
I am the King of loneliness And anger is my crown."
Waa Waa..,.., again, 2006. I was old enough to know better.
I think that Xanga went bankrupt to save me from myself. The only place these travesties reside are in my archives.
One more, for the road:
Looking into your eyes I see the future that was past
a life that has eluded me, one destined not to last
the fire that was between us, never lit the flame
that fire died, without the fuel it needed to remain
The past is clearer in the present, its much easier to see
those little things that crumbled the foundation that was to be
and in our lack of understanding, we failed to do what's right
I wish I knew where we went wrong, and where we lost our sight
But take heart, Love, don't rue the past, for the future still looks bright
though our flame snuft, our lives still move in song sung with great might
the dance that ensues will bring us to the enlightenment of our reason
and of the rhyme that brought our love into and out of season.
Just dance, and spin, enjoy the sun, forget the woes of rain
don't think upon the past that's gone, those things that brought you pain
and in good times, please of those things that please you, think of me
remember, Love, my heart lives too, for there you'll always be
This was also in the day when everything was just public. My parents knew my site...It's a wonder they didn't disown me.