I recently invested in a hard drive back up. I started going through files and came across my old RTX 2013 photos and videos. I watched and looked at a few of them, and the memories came back to me. I was relaxed, fun, smiling a hell of a lot more than I do today, and productive in the community weather it was video or fan art of my favorite canyon dwelling soldiers.
As I looked through this now 7 year old computer, with its slowly aging drives. Noting that they have held up AMAZINGLY, except for 1 that died almost 2 years ago. Time files literally. I pulled out my 4TB back up drive and just look at all this stuff I have been carrying and holding now for nearly 15 years across various PCs, even though the drives are gone the data did get moved to the newer version of the machine. Photos, art work, class projects from college, unfinished stories, journals that will never see the light of day, just so much stuff and I have carried it all.
In April I am going to be 32 years old, that means I discovered Red Vs Blue in a digital production class more 12 years ago, I was about 19 or 20 years old at the time. Yes I know after season 5 I disappeared from watching and lurking but not being part of the community until the summer of 2010 when I was recovering from my back condition.
I became a sponsor as I refused to call it "First" Sorry but that may have been a trend but that ended 3 years ago let me say that. I felt as a part of this community, like hanging out with people, playing games, it was the many reasons I kept up my Xbox Live Gold just so I could chat with people and the streams that Fragger did for AH were probably the best times of my life and I haven't forgotten them. "Wood" and "Cat" that is all I will say about those.
Recently Burnie talked in a Vlog about how things have changed, how Rooster Teeth had to keep evolving and changing things up, how the internet demands change but doesn't like it. Well, looking at these pictures and videos I realized I didn't evolve with the times, I did change a bit but some of it wasn't for the better. I don't really feel comfortable with the changes that have happened over the years. I hated the new site like many others when it hit, but I adjusted a bit knowing that content was "easier to find" except for me it wasn't it became difficult to track my favorite let's plays or shows AH was doing, and now I feel disconnected from the community because if I post something a journal there is like ZERO interaction with people. I am not sure if it's people just don't read these things like I have been doing for months now, where we see the notification but we see the length of the journal so we just ignore it, or if it's just that I don't connect.
Seeing this capsule that is my PC, it makes me want to be a part of this community again. I know that the Let's Play Community channel is a good place I can go, but I really liked making those achievement guides which are now not allowed. The rules aren't hard to follow but I feel like anything I put up or submit isn't going to be good enough and that's probably because I am comparing myself to younger KistyNocturn. I feel like everyone is ahead of me and there is nothing I can do to catch up. Like my inspiration which I have talked about for years has sort of left me.
I want to catch up with my friends, hell even make new ones. I want to be part of the community but feels like walking up to a rock wall, and see everyone getting close to the top or too far away for you to catch up. The wall is at all different angles and shapes and it's difficult to think that you can climb it just as easy as the rest. Like no one waited for you, to join them. I see my friends being successful, I see many have left the site and gone to do other things.
I guess what I am getting at is that, looking at this capsule of data that I created for the last 14 years that I don't want to change but I know that I have too or I become like my PC. Just a capsule of memories and good times of the "old days" of my corner of the internet. I am not sure where I am going to find my little spot but I know it's out there. (I am not leaving the site) But I probably devolve back into a Lurker Sponsor, where I will watch the content but not really be part of the community again for a while. This is going to take more time and sadly I feel like I don't have that time these days. If this makes any sense, because it took me 2 hours to write this journal and I lost my train of thought with distractions of people calling my phone or tv show or internet video while I was looking for some music.