Jordan, my best friend, is an asshole. Love the guy to death, hopefully by my hands, but he's an asshole, always squirting shit like how his house is 1.8 miles away and not 2 miles, because reasonable human beings would never round. We met ten years ago and he's pretty much the same guy he always was, but a bit muted. The worst moment in our friendship wasn't when he admitted he started smoking pot during college because frankly I didn't care or the times he's broken up with girls and left me with easing their anguish over the loss of him (because hey, everyone needs an asshole or all that shit's going to stay inside you) or the times they broke up with him and he left me to convince them that he's worthy of a second chance. No, those were typical friend things, right? The worst moment was when his obsessive compulsive tendencies eased up.
Everyone's got tendencies of psychological disorders. We worry about speaking in public or being judged by peers and strangers. We're irritable for no reason. There are tiny details out of whack in a comfortable environment that agitate us. When they become overwhelming, that's a psychological disorder.
Jordan fidgeted and threatened violence when I set the volume to 11. Or 7. Or 23. 21 was okay because it was his number in baseball and blackjack and whatever else. He liked it. Odds with 5s were more even than the others.
So whenever he went for a potty, I'd bump up the volume to the nearest odd. And when the volume goes from 1 to 100, the decibel difference between 10 and 11 is practically nothing.
But he could tell.
Maybe I'd done it too often. Maybe his ears were sensitive to it. Maybe it was a sixth sense, like Spidey's: the crazy sense.
That changed around the time he started smoking so I guess it mellowed him out. It was his biggest bit of crazy, but the crazy's not all gone. It's just harder to irk.
We hang out every Friday at 4:30 p.m., get Taco Bell or Wendy's, then play NHL for his PS3.
Sport games are the epitome of repetitive. It's that soothing grind MMO players get. There's an order. There's a routine. Our routine is to sim the preseason, play game 1, simulate to the trade deadline, make a trade for the #1 pick, sim to the playoffs, sim to game 3 of the first series, play if we're tied or losing, keep simming if we win, and continue, repeat for each series, win the Stanley Cup, go to the draft, check awards, sign our players for an even dollar amount, repeat.
We play on easy. There's no danger of losing the season. Trades are on easy. We bully our way into getting the best players and picks. Our first game of the season usually ends up like 12 '“ 3. We skate down the ice, one-time it.
We go through maybe three seasons a night, then at 10:30, I leave.
If we don't play NHL, we play NHL Hitz, NBA Jam, Madden, MLB, whatever. A sport. And the first game is great! But the second game is basically the first game with a pallet swap. And so on and so on and so on and so on.
And he's soothed. I don't know that he enjoys it, but there's at least no irritability after.
But wait! There's more!
He looks identical to his brother and father. Slap a wig on his sister, and they're twins. I seriously suspect cloning was involved.
His mom's name is Laurel. Not a common name like Ashley or Jennifer. His fiancÃ©'s name is Laurel (congratulations to them). I don't suspect anything Oedipal about it, though. I suspect it's his OC tendency.
His office in his new house (congratulations to him) is decorated with all the St. Louis Cardinals gear that decorated his room at home.
But here's the cake.
His favorite shows have been off the air since he was in school. Friends, Scrubs, Seinfeld. He watches mostly crime shows, the very formulaic acronym ones like NCIS or CSI. I've been trying to convince him to see Guardians of the Galaxy since I saw it in theaters, a $5 matinee where I was nearly alone. It was a treat during a tough time and I cried in the theater it was so good. He says he doesn't know the characters so he's not interested. The talking raccoon, Vin Diesel as Groot saying two lines throughout, general sci-fi-ness of it, I understand why people are put off before seeing it, but afterwards, everyone's a convert.
Then I told him I started watching Agents of Shield, and it's a similar story progression to Gotham, which he likes. But he gave me the same answer. He didn't know the characters. Or the story. Or the universe.
What movie do you go to already knowing the characters, story, universe? No one walked into a Good Will Hunting showing knowing anything about it. In 1989, most didn't know anything about Batman. In this culture that thinks spoilers are the only sin that should doom someone to hell, who the fuck goes to see a movie they already know the story to?
We watch reruns all the time. We occasionally rewatch movies. But it is a rarity, and a sign of craziness, for someone to avoid a movie because they don't know what happens already.
The dude's a crazy asshole. It's so entertaining.