AHWU: The Jeremy Plant - AHWU for January 30th, 2017 (#354)
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Boy. Yes, you there, boy. Or are you a girl? These eyes aren't doing me much good these days. Come here and let this old, ragged man spin you a yarn, and also try to sell you some seeds! There was once a dark cave full of idiots that played games on their magical electric windows. These were the Achievement Hunters, and they were great..until they all died.
Geoff the Drunkard's essence was scattered to the wind. Jack the Bearded's remains are said to be guarded by the fiercest of dragons. The others are somewhere too, but fuck those guys. I need to tell you about Jeremy the Short. Unlike the others, he has not been lost, no! In order to maintain his essence, he was fused with the finest flowers and sealed away in these here magic seeds. They say when the world needs Jeremy most, a gullible young boy (or girl) must buy these magic seeds and plant them. In 6-8 months, Jeremy the Short will be reborn as Plant Jeremy the Flower King - a most brave hero with flowers filling his mouth! So hopefully grave terror is far enough away to where you have time to plant the Jeremy plant before our world is doomed.
By the look on your face, you don't seemed convinced. Well fuck you too, kid. Just buy my damn seeds already. Buy them now, before my good friend Stabby McSlicey has to come out of my pocket. Wait. Where you going? Who's going to buy my seeds? I need money to buy food!